Still, I would not be here now if I never had the hunger: Keepin’ the FAITH

As I lay on my daughter’s mustard colored circular shag rug, sobbing my eyes out, braless, unshowered, teeth un brushed, hair matted, add to it a little baby vomit crusted on my ‘mom-robe’ (you know the type!), I thought to myself,” wait, I ASKED FOR THIS!!!” You see, my daughter is 4 months old, which for almost any parent is an infamous milestone of fussiness, confusion, baby barf, restless nights and unfiltered anger- for both you and your child.

I have an unbelievably easy baby. She’s happy in the morning, content in the afternoon and hilariously grumpy past 5pm. She sleeps well, seems to like her Dad and I well enough, and is incredibly well adjusted to other people. It was totally out of left field when we hit this hump because for the first time in her short life, there was literally NOTHING I could do to console her.

So here I am, hanging out with my precious little girl, doing our thing and she just L-O-S-E-S it. This is in the midst of my email inbox brimming at 200+ emails, the house being a total wreck, my husband running on 4 hours of sleep and my hormones flying like knives do ala the scene in Jumanji where the monkeys have overtaken the kitchen (if you don’t know what I’m talking about see here: https://youtu.be/javEwwHaNa4 ). It’s not like this is uncommon for babies, and it’s not like this happens EVER with her, so what did I do? I panicked. I lost it. I laid on the floor next to her and had my own tantrum.

So now there we were, crying, kicking, screaming… ya know, losing it. Instead of recognizing this moment for what it was, a single moment, I dug deeper into a hole. I started spiraling down the mind rabbit hole of everything that is wrong with me and my life. My house is a wreck, I haven’t practiced yoga today, my husband can’t find me attractive anymore because I look like a cross between Edith Bunker and a Garbage Pail Kid, my email response time is abysmal and there is no way anyone will ever forgive me for getting back to them in over 48 hours, oh AND it looks like Brindle might have chewed on one of the babies toys. GOD BLESS AMERICA EVERYTHING IS A WRECK AND I AM DYING, I AM LITERALLY DYING AND THIS BABY HATES ME AND WHY OH WHY OH WHY OH WHY OH… [Insert self slapping self. ]

I have always wanted children. I LOVE children. I love my life, and I love my wonderful husband. This was a moment. A wretched one, but one single moment. So after I writhed their in my #firstworld, #privileged problems, I started to think about how bad I wanted this child. How long I have planned out the name Magnolia for my first precious girl. How I knew, even on the worst days, it would be the greatest thing to have such an amazing family. Then I started to think about the swaths of children I hope to have past this moment, and suddenly the dirty house, hilariously dirty me and the piling up workload seemed to dissipate. I started to fall back on my faith that while this moment sucks, I have millions more ahead of me that will be unbelievably beautiful. I started to remember that a long time ago, this was just a dream and now here it is – my living truth.

Faith is that which is not seen, but felt. I always felt I would be a mother, a wife and a yogi. I always felt that I would have a beautiful, but messy life. Here I am, living my highest self as I had “seen” it 5/10 years ago. Faith is the knowledge that what’s ahead is worth it. Faith gives us hope. It’s what digs us out of dark holes and carves out new pathways.

If we don’t have faith, we can’t imagine a life or a Self that is even greater than this one… and if you are already at your Highest Self, then you might be further along your yogic path than you realize. If you can’t visualize a life/ Higher Self past this moment, you might try cultivating more faith.

So next time you find yourself in an emotional trench, find faith. Fall into it. Let the moment be a moment, and then let it pass. Dream and visualize of your highest future self and life, and you just might be able to put a small smile on your face, pick up that screaming child (or dog, or shitty job, or insert thing that is frustrating you at the time), brush your teeth/hair/self off and get moving onward.

Good luck and God bless, y’all. Namaste.

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