Recently I have hit a cross roads. Since becoming a mother I have found it difficult/ damn near impossible to hit a new groove. The challenge of being a great mother, wife, business manager, entrepreneur, teacher and friend has seemed insurmountable at times. I imagine this is something that happens to everyone when a major life shift like a job change, child, relationship change, etc. happens. I’ve tried goal setting, habit breaking/shifting, rigorous scheduling, apps, etc… none of it seems to get me balanced. What I’m learning is that my perspective of my actual balance needs to shift. This just hit me the other day after I was sick with the flu for three days. A healthy response to being sick would be to R E S T, S L E E P and R E S T O R E. Me? I was working the moment I got up (at 7am), still parenting and continuing to work until I went to sleep- all from the comfort of my couch with my lap top in one hand, sippy cup in the other. This was my Hail Mary moment. A stop, drop and recognize moment that cleared up the last year and a half of off balanced living… I have been living upside down, inside out and completely scattered for a year and a half, and today I choose to shift.
I just recently read a book called Present Over Perfect (I HIGHLY RECOMMEND!) and one of the things the author says is that it’s OK for NORMAL PEOPLE- not celebrities, politicians or world famous Who Evers- to be overwhelmed AND it’s ok for us to make a shift…. So here I am.
I’m not narcissistic enough to write a blog in hopes of other people reading it, in hopes of fame or even recognition. I’m writing this blog for me. It’s funny because when I started the blog “Practice Indie” this was exactly why I started it, to write my musings on how I was learning to be the best version of me as possible… and it was one of the first things I stopped doing when we opened the studio. So here I am, back to writing and writing for the sole purpose of helping this Stella get her groove back. I’m no great writer, so if you’re reading this- know that it’s not my intention to win a Pulitzer. This is about me finding me, and in doing so I hope to encourage whatever lonely souls read this to find themselves. There is a great quote:
Thoughts disentangle themselves passing over the lips and through fingertips
I’m hoping by writing more, I’ll discover more. By discovering more, I’ll find more peace. In pursuit of peace, I hope that I’ll encourage others (and help others!) to do the same.
This all ties to yoga. “Yoga is the journey of the Self, through the Self, to the Self.” I’m journeying back to me. It is, once again, time to get clear on who “I” am, what “I” want, and where “I” am going. I quote “I” because in my journey to self exploration I’ve found that the real I, the part of me that is immovable, infinite and connected to a higher source is not the one “I” am referencing. The I here is my body and my mind who are on some beautiful, confusing, crazy journey separate of my infinite Self. My infinite Self is deep down, actively watching this saga play out with a coy smile on her face, waiting for me to discover that all I am, all that I ever want to be is already within me- it has been there all along, and it will be there waiting for me when I decide to get out of my own way and settle into her puzzle like the final, glorifying piece.
So much of this journey reminds me of the song “The Origin of Love” from the musical Hedwig and the Angry Inch. In the beginning, we were whole. We knew our deep divinity and we were floating around like magical fucking beings. Then something happened. Call it Adam and Eve. Call it mythical bunny rabbits. Call it a Big Bang… Something happened to us as beings to sever us from our deepest knowing that we are divine. We are plenty. We are, at our core, complete.
So I’ve started asking myself these questions, in pursuit of getting back to balance:
What makes me happy?
What makes me feel fulfilled?
What do I LOVE to do/ spend energy and time on?
What doesn’t make me happy?
What makes me feel empty?
What do I loath to spend time on and what sucks my energy dry?
Where do I invest my energy? Is it where I should?
I won’t bore you with my answers, but I will leave this with my commitments:
I will go to bed earlier and wake up earlier
When the energy is there- I will carpe the mother fucking diem, drink great coffee and lemon water!
I will not dull myself with Netflix and wine, but rather use it to fuel fun and connection in my relationships (Specifically with my husband)
I’ll spend less/no time on things that suck out my energy (people that I do not mesh with, projects that don’t engage me) and I will spend more time with the things that give me life (my daughter, my husband, teaching yoga, practicing yoga, going to CrossFit, eating good- whole food, cooking, reading, laughing, connecting with my tribe)
I’ll buy less “stuff” and purchase more opportunities and experiences
I’ll collect fewer things and spend energy on beauty, whimsy, simplicity, FUN and intricate, thoughtful details
I’ll invest in intimacy and dump vagueness and falseness
I will NOT be in a rush anymore or use time as a crutch or a burden. I will bless time, thank it, and use it wisely.
So heres to me. Heres to my balance- and here’s to yours! If you’re on your own path to self discovery, ask yourself the above questions. How are you investing your energy? Is it in the right bank? Is it the right ratio? Are you investing in order to reap benefits for someone else or yourself? Is it worth it?
My commitment is to write in this blog as often as possible in hopes of ironing out my thoughts on myself, yoga, life and how it all works together. My goal is weekly, but if it doesn’t serve me… then I’m not doing it. I’m learning that the world is only black and white if I paint it so. I’m choosing to paint with both broad strokes and fine tips, with all the colors and sometime no color at all. Heres to perhaps you doing the same.
Cheers and namaste!